I really don't want to go back to smoking but I think my life is falling apart.
Everything is happening all at once and my patience is wearing thin. Sorry butt his blog is going to be less about not smoking and more about what is frustrating me today. I am trying really hard to keep it together but if I don't just talk then I'm going to lose it.
Monday was our 4 year anniversary. He suggested we go our separate ways and I readily agreed. Not that it doesn't hurt.. I mean 4 years is a long time. It would not be so difficult if he could just grow the fuck up. Maybe we could have done this a long time ago, before my resentments for him actually started to grow. We live together so breaking up isn't going to be easy. I can't afford to live where I want without a roommate. I don't want a roommate and I don't want to live in the projects. I'm prepared to do the adult thing and settle for a roommate if I can't find something affordable alone, but I have been settling for just an okay life for this long. Why don't I deserve to be happy? Why do I have to always go along with whats best for the majority? I want what I want, damn it, and no one is going to stop me. My sister flaked on me, after getting so excited to share an apartment and now she wants to move to the other side of the country in 9 months and does not want to commit to signing a year lease. Which means my situation would be temporary as well. I want to call a place home and settle somewhere. I have lived out of boxes for almost 10 years and I am tired of living this transient, squatter's type of life. True, I've been in the same place for 4 years but All my stuff is in a storage cell. I live out of the hall closet, which incidentally is too small to fit my stuff AND my clothes too.
So on top of dealing with that, I'm plagued with being stuck at a job, where I love the mission of the company and the people I work with are okay but I feel incredibly understimulated with my work. I never have anything do to and ask over and over for projects but am never given anything. I have A LOT of time to think about stuff. Dangerous. My mind wanders a lot with all this extra time and I don't feel like I really fit in at work so I don't have many friends, or people I talk to. I've been using the time to apartment search and read British news. Every day. Of my life. The same thing. They did give me a project to do but without Photoshop on my work computer I can't do it. I do not have time do to it at home and they are not paying me overtime to do it. And I didn't think it was possible to micro-manage the sending and receiving of Fed-Ex packages and heating of the reception area, but apparently it is.
I was posting on a tattoo message board for awhile to pass time but the group got taken over by some superficial muscle head who just wanted to rip me to shreds every time I said anything. It's foolishness and I know this, but on top of all the shit I have to take at home.. with the constant attitudes to being treated like I don't matter, having a back turned on me when I'm trying to talk and just being brushed off and discounted pretty much daily at home.. people walk away from me while I'm talking and walk past me when I say hello and good bye at work (I'm just the receptionist, who cares?).. the last thing I want is to be abused on the internet.. in a group I CHOSE to join. If that guy said any of that shit to me in person I would probably end up in jail.
I have not had sex for months. I have not felt desirable for years. My nose is big. I've lost so much weight that my ass is gone and so are my tits. I can't eat when I am stressed but I spend so much time being stressed that my body often ends up having it's fat reserves for dinner. I wanted a puppy so I could love it the way I want, since I can't get the love I want from the person I still live with.. but he yells at me for "coddling". He likes to tell me what is wrong with myself and why I am wrong about everything. My emotions don't matter but his must be recognized. I quit smoking and so I should be gaining weight but I can't let that happen.. I don't want to turn into a whale like the women in my family. I want to wear bikinis. Anyway, I guess the bottom line is that I'm deeply unhappy. I'm so tired of life I can't even cry anymore. Sometimes I wish that I would get clipped by a car while crossing the street.. if it didn't kill me at least it would give me a break from the hell I am living in now.
I don't know if I can make it another day without smoking.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Friday, October 17, 2008
Day 5
Normally a co-worker being upset with me for being late with an assignment wouldn't bother me at all. Today, it made me feel like a homicidal maniac.
I won't get deep with it, because it's the craving for nicotine speaking, along with that Stella I had with lunch. You can't smoke in bars around here anyway so there isn't a constant reminder until I'm just sitting idle outdoors. I don't want to smoke cigarettes though... so even though I miss smoking with a beer, I know there is something else I could enjoy with a beer in replacement. I have to keep my hands busy. If my hands are doing something then my mind is not one-track minding about smoking. I read a newspaper while I had a beer today. My hands were busy tracing the lines of text through the pages, then turning the pages as needed. One hand on the ber, one hand on the paper. I should only drink when I have someone to talk to or something to read. That's my of-the-moment epiphany.
I slept better last night, I was still awake every hour or less but it was easier to fall back asleep in between and I felt more rested. I sure am glad today is Friday though. I can sleep in tomorrow and being home alone really helps a lot with the urges to smoke. I live with 2 other smokers so even though I sit around in areas I used to smoke a lot in too, I get pretty lit and forget that smoking is and or was on the agenda. 6 hours later I'm like oh I think I'll have a cig cuz it's been awhile.. it's been like that for awhile so it is pretty easy to just keep my mind occupied when I'm alone and not around other smokers. Also having the puppy is really great too because he just wants to run around outside and now I can run with him. I don't mind taking him out as long as it's not nasty out. I'm also thinking about joining a gym. The new one down the street looks promising.. even Obama was working out there when it first opened. I know, crazy.
Anyway, it's getting easier every day not to smoke and the cravings are not lasting as long. I really hope that this weekend I can keep it together with all the free time I'll have. Maybe I'll clean the house and do 10,000 loads of laundry. That would keep me busy! I also want to carve a pumpkin this year and try to seal it so the squirrels don't eat it.
Anything to stay busy.
PS, my homicidal urges have passed. All I had to do was type something.
I won't get deep with it, because it's the craving for nicotine speaking, along with that Stella I had with lunch. You can't smoke in bars around here anyway so there isn't a constant reminder until I'm just sitting idle outdoors. I don't want to smoke cigarettes though... so even though I miss smoking with a beer, I know there is something else I could enjoy with a beer in replacement. I have to keep my hands busy. If my hands are doing something then my mind is not one-track minding about smoking. I read a newspaper while I had a beer today. My hands were busy tracing the lines of text through the pages, then turning the pages as needed. One hand on the ber, one hand on the paper. I should only drink when I have someone to talk to or something to read. That's my of-the-moment epiphany.
I slept better last night, I was still awake every hour or less but it was easier to fall back asleep in between and I felt more rested. I sure am glad today is Friday though. I can sleep in tomorrow and being home alone really helps a lot with the urges to smoke. I live with 2 other smokers so even though I sit around in areas I used to smoke a lot in too, I get pretty lit and forget that smoking is and or was on the agenda. 6 hours later I'm like oh I think I'll have a cig cuz it's been awhile.. it's been like that for awhile so it is pretty easy to just keep my mind occupied when I'm alone and not around other smokers. Also having the puppy is really great too because he just wants to run around outside and now I can run with him. I don't mind taking him out as long as it's not nasty out. I'm also thinking about joining a gym. The new one down the street looks promising.. even Obama was working out there when it first opened. I know, crazy.
Anyway, it's getting easier every day not to smoke and the cravings are not lasting as long. I really hope that this weekend I can keep it together with all the free time I'll have. Maybe I'll clean the house and do 10,000 loads of laundry. That would keep me busy! I also want to carve a pumpkin this year and try to seal it so the squirrels don't eat it.
Anything to stay busy.
PS, my homicidal urges have passed. All I had to do was type something.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Day Four
Wow, the last 24 hours have really been a test!
My boyfriend just HAS to ask me what's wrong every time I get upset about something! I don't think I have the where-with-all to explain this to you AND not call you an insensitive and unobservant moron!! People feel they MUST come to my desk to talk, to each other and on the phone. The building maintenance staff MUST drag me into the restrooms and make me watch them test the automatic flushers in the stalls. I know it's not, but every so often I feel like the world is out to get me.
I haven't had a good night's sleep in several days. Today is Thursday. I slept straight through Sunday night, woke up once because I had been drinking and got some water before going back to bed. Now, I wake up every hour, see the clock and am like damn.. I could get up and watch tv right now or something. I go back to sleep though and wake up an hour later. Last night was awful. The puppy, Rocco, my handsome 4.5 month old French Bulldog puppy sleeps in the bed with me. I dont mind and he is so good, he usually stays so still. Last night the boyfriend came to bed late and started petting the puppy.. this was around 5:00AM. So he woke up the puppy and now he wants attention and wants to lick everything and then of course wants to go out. I have already been up every hour trying to stay asleep and waking up in this manner did not make me happy. So of course then I have to pee sp I get up in the dark and navigate to the bathroom. I make my way back in the dark, swing the door open, and of course I walk right into the door frame. I didn't know whether to break something or what so I just cried. I got back into bed and rolled over. The boyfriend is asking what is wrong and am I okay. I in the nicest way possible told him to understand what quitting smoking does to people and stop asking me so many fucking questions, especially when I am trying to ignore you. My nose still hurts today.
I still have not had a cigarette today but I am a psychopath I think. I've been keeping my hands busy with typing, and cleaning up, I made a rubber band ball, and have found a new hairstyle I want to get to celebrate my new accomplishment. I also did some research on rebuilding my chakra which is way un-balanced and talked to my tattoo artist about his input. He commended me on not feeding in to the corporate machine and adding to big business of gums, and other cessation stuff - more stuff for you to spend your money on for a purpose that may or may not work and making that wheel turn. I think in the end cold-turkey is better anyway because a big part of it is saving money right??? Fuck the gum! Forget the patches! No inhalers or chews! I just need to find a way to get away from the mood swings, which I think will just come in time. I just take some deep breaths and try to remove myself from a situation.. having an anxiety problem and not being on anything to help it is probably a stupid idea but I don't want to take any drugs. I think I can control it.. I just need to stay focused.
My boyfriend just HAS to ask me what's wrong every time I get upset about something! I don't think I have the where-with-all to explain this to you AND not call you an insensitive and unobservant moron!! People feel they MUST come to my desk to talk, to each other and on the phone. The building maintenance staff MUST drag me into the restrooms and make me watch them test the automatic flushers in the stalls. I know it's not, but every so often I feel like the world is out to get me.
I haven't had a good night's sleep in several days. Today is Thursday. I slept straight through Sunday night, woke up once because I had been drinking and got some water before going back to bed. Now, I wake up every hour, see the clock and am like damn.. I could get up and watch tv right now or something. I go back to sleep though and wake up an hour later. Last night was awful. The puppy, Rocco, my handsome 4.5 month old French Bulldog puppy sleeps in the bed with me. I dont mind and he is so good, he usually stays so still. Last night the boyfriend came to bed late and started petting the puppy.. this was around 5:00AM. So he woke up the puppy and now he wants attention and wants to lick everything and then of course wants to go out. I have already been up every hour trying to stay asleep and waking up in this manner did not make me happy. So of course then I have to pee sp I get up in the dark and navigate to the bathroom. I make my way back in the dark, swing the door open, and of course I walk right into the door frame. I didn't know whether to break something or what so I just cried. I got back into bed and rolled over. The boyfriend is asking what is wrong and am I okay. I in the nicest way possible told him to understand what quitting smoking does to people and stop asking me so many fucking questions, especially when I am trying to ignore you. My nose still hurts today.
I still have not had a cigarette today but I am a psychopath I think. I've been keeping my hands busy with typing, and cleaning up, I made a rubber band ball, and have found a new hairstyle I want to get to celebrate my new accomplishment. I also did some research on rebuilding my chakra which is way un-balanced and talked to my tattoo artist about his input. He commended me on not feeding in to the corporate machine and adding to big business of gums, and other cessation stuff - more stuff for you to spend your money on for a purpose that may or may not work and making that wheel turn. I think in the end cold-turkey is better anyway because a big part of it is saving money right??? Fuck the gum! Forget the patches! No inhalers or chews! I just need to find a way to get away from the mood swings, which I think will just come in time. I just take some deep breaths and try to remove myself from a situation.. having an anxiety problem and not being on anything to help it is probably a stupid idea but I don't want to take any drugs. I think I can control it.. I just need to stay focused.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Starting On Day 3
Today is my third full day without a cigarette. Wrapping up a 14 year habit, stopping once for 9 months in there.. this is the first time I really genuinely don't want to smoke. I hate that my fingernails are yellow. I hate that everything I don't bury away turns yellow. I hate that my white walls are yellow. I hate being self conscious about how I smell. And I especially hate non-smokers who tell me how beneficial for my health it would be for me to quit.
I'm writing this blog to do what many others have done, catalogue my experience and try to make it meaningful, outside my own personal reasons. I should add that I am only quitting smoking cigarettes, as I still enjoy life's other smokable indulgences!
SO, staying stopped has already had its hurtles... On Monday evening I took a puff and I almost fell over.. instant vertigo and I was sick to my stomach. And through it all, I could still sense some pleasure to it, which I realized is a sick thought in itself and haven't picked one up since then. But I do feel like those little things are trying to get to me. Yesterday some jackass rammed me so hard on the Metro stairs that, had there been no one walking behind me to cushion my fall, I surely would have cracked my head open or worse. It took all my strength not to turn around and send him flying head first down the rest of the stairs. Ahh the little things.. I work as a receptionist and people like to congregate to chat in the area surrounding my desk. Well, it's fucking annoying. I can't concentrate, and I haven't been able to sleep the last couple nights so I am already having a hard time. No one at my job has seen the power of my mood swings yet (I haven't been here long and have no reason to ever be upset) but it's like every little thing is getting on my nerves right now!! I called someone to come watch my desk to go get coffee just a few minutes ago and guess what happened? She signed me out of my computer while I was gone and without even paying attention at all to what I was working on, deleted my entire blog. I've had to write this entire thing over again. But the positive? It's keeping my hands busy and my mind active. I've been eating lots of sunflower seeds ad pumpkin seeds to try to not be a fatass about quitting. I did drop a lot of weight this summer so I have room for about 15 lbs to come back on. Now that I can breathe I will exercise more. The new gym down the street from my house should work nicely.
I'm writing this blog to do what many others have done, catalogue my experience and try to make it meaningful, outside my own personal reasons. I should add that I am only quitting smoking cigarettes, as I still enjoy life's other smokable indulgences!
SO, staying stopped has already had its hurtles... On Monday evening I took a puff and I almost fell over.. instant vertigo and I was sick to my stomach. And through it all, I could still sense some pleasure to it, which I realized is a sick thought in itself and haven't picked one up since then. But I do feel like those little things are trying to get to me. Yesterday some jackass rammed me so hard on the Metro stairs that, had there been no one walking behind me to cushion my fall, I surely would have cracked my head open or worse. It took all my strength not to turn around and send him flying head first down the rest of the stairs. Ahh the little things.. I work as a receptionist and people like to congregate to chat in the area surrounding my desk. Well, it's fucking annoying. I can't concentrate, and I haven't been able to sleep the last couple nights so I am already having a hard time. No one at my job has seen the power of my mood swings yet (I haven't been here long and have no reason to ever be upset) but it's like every little thing is getting on my nerves right now!! I called someone to come watch my desk to go get coffee just a few minutes ago and guess what happened? She signed me out of my computer while I was gone and without even paying attention at all to what I was working on, deleted my entire blog. I've had to write this entire thing over again. But the positive? It's keeping my hands busy and my mind active. I've been eating lots of sunflower seeds ad pumpkin seeds to try to not be a fatass about quitting. I did drop a lot of weight this summer so I have room for about 15 lbs to come back on. Now that I can breathe I will exercise more. The new gym down the street from my house should work nicely.
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