Day Four

Wow, the last 24 hours have really been a test!

My boyfriend just HAS to ask me what's wrong every time I get upset about something! I don't think I have the where-with-all to explain this to you AND not call you an insensitive and unobservant moron!! People feel they MUST come to my desk to talk, to each other and on the phone. The building maintenance staff MUST drag me into the restrooms and make me watch them test the automatic flushers in the stalls. I know it's not, but every so often I feel like the world is out to get me.

I haven't had a good night's sleep in several days. Today is Thursday. I slept straight through Sunday night, woke up once because I had been drinking and got some water before going back to bed. Now, I wake up every hour, see the clock and am like damn.. I could get up and watch tv right now or something. I go back to sleep though and wake up an hour later. Last night was awful. The puppy, Rocco, my handsome 4.5 month old French Bulldog puppy sleeps in the bed with me. I dont mind and he is so good, he usually stays so still. Last night the boyfriend came to bed late and started petting the puppy.. this was around 5:00AM. So he woke up the puppy and now he wants attention and wants to lick everything and then of course wants to go out. I have already been up every hour trying to stay asleep and waking up in this manner did not make me happy. So of course then I have to pee sp I get up in the dark and navigate to the bathroom. I make my way back in the dark, swing the door open, and of course I walk right into the door frame. I didn't know whether to break something or what so I just cried. I got back into bed and rolled over. The boyfriend is asking what is wrong and am I okay. I in the nicest way possible told him to understand what quitting smoking does to people and stop asking me so many fucking questions, especially when I am trying to ignore you. My nose still hurts today.

I still have not had a cigarette today but I am a psychopath I think. I've been keeping my hands busy with typing, and cleaning up, I made a rubber band ball, and have found a new hairstyle I want to get to celebrate my new accomplishment. I also did some research on rebuilding my chakra which is way un-balanced and talked to my tattoo artist about his input. He commended me on not feeding in to the corporate machine and adding to big business of gums, and other cessation stuff - more stuff for you to spend your money on for a purpose that may or may not work and making that wheel turn. I think in the end cold-turkey is better anyway because a big part of it is saving money right??? Fuck the gum! Forget the patches! No inhalers or chews! I just need to find a way to get away from the mood swings, which I think will just come in time. I just take some deep breaths and try to remove myself from a situation.. having an anxiety problem and not being on anything to help it is probably a stupid idea but I don't want to take any drugs. I think I can control it.. I just need to stay focused.