Today is Day 10

I really don't want to go back to smoking but I think my life is falling apart.

Everything is happening all at once and my patience is wearing thin. Sorry butt his blog is going to be less about not smoking and more about what is frustrating me today. I am trying really hard to keep it together but if I don't just talk then I'm going to lose it.

Monday was our 4 year anniversary. He suggested we go our separate ways and I readily agreed. Not that it doesn't hurt.. I mean 4 years is a long time. It would not be so difficult if he could just grow the fuck up. Maybe we could have done this a long time ago, before my resentments for him actually started to grow. We live together so breaking up isn't going to be easy. I can't afford to live where I want without a roommate. I don't want a roommate and I don't want to live in the projects. I'm prepared to do the adult thing and settle for a roommate if I can't find something affordable alone, but I have been settling for just an okay life for this long. Why don't I deserve to be happy? Why do I have to always go along with whats best for the majority? I want what I want, damn it, and no one is going to stop me. My sister flaked on me, after getting so excited to share an apartment and now she wants to move to the other side of the country in 9 months and does not want to commit to signing a year lease. Which means my situation would be temporary as well. I want to call a place home and settle somewhere. I have lived out of boxes for almost 10 years and I am tired of living this transient, squatter's type of life. True, I've been in the same place for 4 years but All my stuff is in a storage cell. I live out of the hall closet, which incidentally is too small to fit my stuff AND my clothes too.

So on top of dealing with that, I'm plagued with being stuck at a job, where I love the mission of the company and the people I work with are okay but I feel incredibly understimulated with my work. I never have anything do to and ask over and over for projects but am never given anything. I have A LOT of time to think about stuff. Dangerous. My mind wanders a lot with all this extra time and I don't feel like I really fit in at work so I don't have many friends, or people I talk to. I've been using the time to apartment search and read British news. Every day. Of my life. The same thing. They did give me a project to do but without Photoshop on my work computer I can't do it. I do not have time do to it at home and they are not paying me overtime to do it. And I didn't think it was possible to micro-manage the sending and receiving of Fed-Ex packages and heating of the reception area, but apparently it is.

I was posting on a tattoo message board for awhile to pass time but the group got taken over by some superficial muscle head who just wanted to rip me to shreds every time I said anything. It's foolishness and I know this, but on top of all the shit I have to take at home.. with the constant attitudes to being treated like I don't matter, having a back turned on me when I'm trying to talk and just being brushed off and discounted pretty much daily at home.. people walk away from me while I'm talking and walk past me when I say hello and good bye at work (I'm just the receptionist, who cares?).. the last thing I want is to be abused on the internet.. in a group I CHOSE to join. If that guy said any of that shit to me in person I would probably end up in jail.

I have not had sex for months. I have not felt desirable for years. My nose is big. I've lost so much weight that my ass is gone and so are my tits. I can't eat when I am stressed but I spend so much time being stressed that my body often ends up having it's fat reserves for dinner. I wanted a puppy so I could love it the way I want, since I can't get the love I want from the person I still live with.. but he yells at me for "coddling". He likes to tell me what is wrong with myself and why I am wrong about everything. My emotions don't matter but his must be recognized. I quit smoking and so I should be gaining weight but I can't let that happen.. I don't want to turn into a whale like the women in my family. I want to wear bikinis. Anyway, I guess the bottom line is that I'm deeply unhappy. I'm so tired of life I can't even cry anymore. Sometimes I wish that I would get clipped by a car while crossing the street.. if it didn't kill me at least it would give me a break from the hell I am living in now.

I don't know if I can make it another day without smoking.